Finished with Radiation

I finished radiation today and I know that I should be happy, no ecstatic, that I made it through another treatment step. But today has been one of the worst days that I've had in awhile. I cried through my entire treatment, wishing so much that my husband was there with me. That I didn't have to make that trek to treatment everyday alone or at least that I didn't have to sit in an empty apartment every night. I do have amazing friends and do not want to trivialize the great support that they have been, but at the end of the day I there is a loneliness in my soul that I can't shake. I ache for Gessner, for his touch, for his voice, for his love. He loved me so much and I just want that back. No matter how hard things got, we always had each other and our love. I know that it is cliche, but at the end of the day, love is enough sometimes.

"They" say that grieving takes at least a year. A year is a nice round time and lets you go through every season and most major events. It is logical that if you get through the first year of grief (or anything really), that you will be okay. But I don't feel okay. Right now I don't feel better than I did this time last year. Right now I want to bury my head in the blankets and scream. I want my husband to come back and anything besides him coming back is not an acceptable existence for me. I don't want this life. I don't want to go through another year like this without him. I don't want to be without him. I am tired of trying to "make the most of it" and hope that it will get better. I've had a year of it and I can say, that it hasn't gotten better. My life is not better than it was a year ago. It's actually worse. On top of not having my husband, I have cancer. I have no breasts. My body is mutilated and ugly. I don't have a job and I feel like my career is slipping away. I have lost friends. And I can't move forward because I am stuck in cancer-treatment.

I am so tired of being this person who is sad and complaining. I don't want to be negative or whiny, but I feel like I am at a breaking point where I cannot take any more of this. Or that I don't want to. It is a like a business doing a cost-benefit analysis. Right now the costs are outweighing the benefits of life. And the worst part about it is I feel so helpless to change anything. I know old saying (and clever flow chart) about "if you are unhappy, make a different choice," but I don't know how to do that (and I'm really not looking for advice on how to do it because there isn't anything that I haven't thought of...I'm just using my blog to get this stuff out of my head).

I hope that most of this is just because I do not feel good at all. I'm at the end of a treatment cycle, which means that I am about as beat up as I am going to get. They are giving me a break so that my body can recover. I think that I might have a bug or my body might be trying to fight one or something. As my friend said today, I've heard that cancer and cancer treatment make you feel like shit. Yep, it can.